We’ve had this blog for what, six months now? And in that time I’ve said a lot of things. I don’t need goals, I said. Living in the moment is best, I said. I’m getting sooooo good at communicating, I said. Well, honestly, I don’t know if I ever said that last one, but I was thinking it.

But my communication skills are still pretty shitty. And when you’re one half of a team, shared goals are good. And living the moment is only possible if you’ve both agreed on rules and boundaries before hand.

Otherwise you end up having conversations like this one:

BRUCE: Stop telling me what you think I want to hear. What do you want?

ME: I don’t know! I just want everyone to be happy and be having sexy times and to feel good!

BRUCE: Sure. But what do YOU want?

ME (starting to yell): I already told you what I want!

BRUCE (also yelling) No. No, you didn’t. The only time I ever know what’s going on inside your head is when you write a damn blog post!

Yep. You heard that right. This ol’ blog of ours has led to more than one “heated discussion” as Bruce likes to call them.

But, internet? Talking is hard. When I open my mouth, I have to get past the decades of training that tells me I have to swallow how I feel and take the easy road. Say what people want. Avoid conflict at all costs. And above all, keep everyone around me happy.

I have no such filter when it comes to me and the keyboard, as you may have noticed. It’s a problem.

Filter-less me wants everything this fucked up world has to offer.

I want to be able to walk up to Bruce and say, “fuck me on the kitchen table. Right now.” And I want to be able to walk up to a couple and say, “hey, you’re pretty damn sexy.” And when it comes down to it, I want to be able to tell Bruce, “yeah, I’d like to play with them.”

I want to unapologetically own my sexuality and be unafraid to voice what I want and need.

But words. They’re hard. Damn hard. So, baby steps.

Back to the “heated discussion.”

ME: Right now, I just want to stop fighting.

BRUCE: I know. But do you want to go to this party or not?

It’s on the tip of my tongue to say, “sure, if you want to.” But I take a deep breath instead.

ME: Yes. Yes, I do. But the kid, and the dog, and…

BRUCE: That’s not what I asked. Do you want to go?

I nod.

BRUCE: Okay, then we’ll go.

And so we went. We even had goals. We decided to try to meet at least three new couples. And to “get busy” in one of the playrooms with the door open. Maybe even with other people in the room.

We did one of those things. The first one. But it didn’t come naturally. The small talk was stilted. And it seemed like everyone had eyes for someone else. At one point, I grabbed Bruce’s hand and said “fuck it. We’re going to go talk to those two over there.” And so we did.

But they didn’t seem to appreciate the gesture too much. And honestly, the husband put my hackles up. So, being the super subtle person I am, I was like, “gee, I think I need another drink. Help me find our cooler, Bruce?” and we walked away.

After that, we talked with a few more couples, some new, some not so new. And I kept drinking. I wasn’t drunk by any means, but I was tipsy enough for my inner Mrs. People Pleaser to take control. So when later, a dude asked, “can I kiss you?” I found myself agreeing, even though I didn’t particularly want to kiss him.

It was… fine. No fireworks. Not even any fizzies. Just, you know. Meh.

Thankfully, I have gotten my people pleasing tendencies under enough control to shut him the fuck down when he started talking about taking things further. Because… no. One quick look at Bruce was enough to tell me he had no interest. And I wasn’t feeling it. So while we would both like to take things further with the right couple, they weren’t it.

I knew that before I ever kissed him. I just forgot how to say no in the heat of the moment. And now I feel a little bit bad about it.

But, whatever. It’s another fucking opportunity for growth, as they say on this podcast I like to listen to. And Mrs. People Pleaser? She needs to go lay down and leave me alone.

I don’t think I’m there yet. But I will be. I get a little bit closer every single day. Wish me luck?