Balance is everything. Especially when you’re managing marriage, kids, work, vanilla friends, and spicy friends—both seasoned and fresh. It’s a juggling act that can teeter out of control if you’re not careful. Yes I know,  guac is still always extra.

We’ve found that when stepping into the lifestyle (LS) community, having clear expectations is key. You and your partner need to agree on what you want to experience, and it’s crucial to find that balance. Even for couples with decades under their belts, setting limits and expectations can be tricky. Throw another couple into the mix, and it’s like trying to navigate a four-way intersection without stop signs. Do we always follow this advice? Hell, no. And, yes, it’s caused a few bumps along our short journey. We’re far from experts. We are just two odd people sharing the good, the bad, and the hilariously awkward in the hopes someone finds it relatable (or at least somewhat entertaining).

In case you missed it in previous posts, Elise and I don’t always move at the same pace. While this dynamic mostly works in our day-to-day lives, it gets interesting in the LS. Both of us are naturally slow movers—not in any rush to check off boxes on some mythical LS to-do list. The trouble is, we’re also people-pleasers and hate disappointing anyone, and I’m sure we have already let  others down.

This has led to some… let’s call them “lively discussions.” Yeah, that’s the ticket. Recently, after a mix of short-and-heated arguments and long-but-cool-headed chats, we realized we were actually on the same page about what we are wanting for our first “real” experience with another couple. The problem? We assumed the other wanted something bolder, something more boundary-pushing. Turns out, we were almost word-for-word in agreement. Where we did differ, we agreed to keep things moving at the slowest pace. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Of course, everyone has their own pace and terms, and not everyone will vibe with ours. That’s just life. The LS is a large umbrella  that covers a wide range of activities from being wanting to watch or be watched, exploring bdsm, or deciding between soft or hard tacos with either corn or flour tortillas, Wait… did I just say tacos? I meant soft or full swap. Once again, guac is still extra, darn it. Clearly It’s lunch time and I’m hungry. We’ve already had people bow out because our preferences don’t match theirs. For example, someone recently reached out to me, and the text messages quickly turned to hooking up. They mentioned they were full-swap and preferred going bare. Ummm, no thank you. Our profile clearly states otherwise, so while we wish them well, that’s just not where we are or even where we think we’ll ever be. Admittedly, I may have left the conversation hanging because life pulled me away, but honestly, it wasn’t going to work regardless. Priorities, right?

For us, this journey is about growth, discovery, and figuring out what actually feels right in real life. We need to be upfront about our pace because, ideally, potential spicy friends would want to move with us. Who knows what could develop down the line? That said, we get it. Some people in the LS aren’t looking for “friends” and are just DTF. No shade; that’s just not our vibe. Others might find our approach too restrictive; they’ve crossed lines we’re not ready (or willing) to approach and wouldn’t be satisfied with anything less than their version of “X.” And that’s okay as well. It’s all about finding the right fit.

Another layer of this balancing act? How involved we want to be in the LS community. Let’s be real, keeping up with deep, meaningful conversations (and the fleeting ones that last a day or two) can feel like a full-time job—on top of actual jobs, kids, pets, and a house that seems to break at the most inconvenient times. Case in point, I will be needing an entire weekend to tackle a few minor plumbing issues at home. The LS side of life? It has to wait. The house wins this round.

Then there’s social media. Oh, the burnout is real. Balancing personal accounts, group accounts, and endless messages can feel like playing whack-a-mole. I’ve even missed some messages because I was logged out of one account while juggling another. It’s the nature of the LS beast, I suppose. But figuring out how much to share and finding that sweet spot between over- and under-sharing …can be maddening.

Honestly, living the LS life feels like a real-life game of Jenga and not the sexy,  adult version. Each piece of the tower represents a different aspect of life: family, work, relationships, self-care, LS… you get the idea. The priorities shift depending on the week, month, or year, and every adjustment has to be made carefully to keep the whole thing standing. Too much weight in the wrong place? It could crash and then what?

Balance isn’t just important. It’s super critical. And while we’re not perfect at it, we’re learning as we go. Hopefully, sharing our journey helps others find their footing, or at least gives you a good laugh at our expense along the way. Oh, and speaking of an added expense: always include the guacamole with your order. Trust me, it’s worth it.