Last weekend, I found myself trying to comfort my mom as she sniffled on the couch.

“What’s wrong, Mom?”

“You’re just so, so haaappppy!”

I blinked. “And that makes you sad?” I mean, I know our family dynamics aren’t always healthy, but…

“Yes. No. I’m not sad that you’re happy. It’s just seeing you guys doing so well, and seeing your brother struggling so much in his marriage, it makes me sad. I want him to have that, too.”

“Well, maybe you should tell them to try swinging.”

Okay, I didn’t actually say that. But it’s true. The swingers we’ve encountered all seem to have pretty damn healthy relationships. They communicate. They respect each other. They have fun together. And did I mention they communicate? Because they do.

I’ve certainly had to work on my communication skills. On being honest about my thoughts and feelings. On overcoming a lifetime of being told to be a good girl, stay positive, and shove all the bad shit in a box in the basement of my brain.

It ain’t easy and I’m not perfect. But we’re working on it together, which is what counts. So when Bruce asks me something like, “hey, so are you excited to go do this thing?”

My first instinct is almost always to shrug and say, “Yeah? I think so? It could be good. We’ll see.” Even when inside I’m buzzing.

“Uh huh. So you’re not even a tiny bit giddy.”

And that’s when I realize I’m being an idiot and let the words out. “Yes. Yes, I’m excited but it makes me really nervous to say that out loud because part of me still thinks someone’s going to judge me for feeling this way and wanting these things and it’s stupid and dumb and I blame the fucking patriarchy. And my mom. But mostly the patriarchy.”

He doesn’t tell me I’m right or wrong. He just hugs me. “Feel better now?”

And I always do.

We couldn’t have had these conversations twenty years ago. We couldn’t have had these adventures even ten years ago. But now? Now we’re rock solid and ready for whatever’s next.

I hope my bro and his wife find the same kind of peace one day. But if he starts swinging? I do NOT want to know. Like, ever. Got that, universe? Not ever.