When we walked into Desire, neither of us had so much as kissed another partner in decades. And honestly, I thought we’d walk out much the same.

Not that we hadn’t talked about the possibility. We had. Extensively. Kissing, playing, full-on swapping… at Bruce’s insistence we talked about it all (I have a damn hard time talking about my feelings, but that’s another post).

But while in theory that all sounded sexy and fun and I was open to the idea, I never imagined an opportunity would actually present itself. I mean, I’m a middle-aged mom. I’m cute, sure, but I’m not used to thinking of myself as a desirable creature. My hub has a rocking bod, so I could see people being attracted to him, but me? Eh.

Let’s be honest. There were plenty of women far more attractive than me. And some clearly had larger budgets and a good surgeon on call (no shade. they looked amazing). But there were bodies of all shapes and sizes and everyone seemed genuinely appreciative of them all.

And ladies? There’s something about getting out of a pool, mostly naked, knowing that there are more than a few people watching, that makes you stand a little straighter, push your shoulders back a little further, and put a little extra sway in your hips as you walk.

It’s sexy as fuck, that’s what I’m saying.

Anyway. One afternoon we spent quite a bit of time chatting with a much more experienced couple, picking their brains about their journey and how the whole “lifestyle” thing works.

At some point we split off into pairs, and a slightly-more-than-tipsy me admitted to this poor man that I was totally game, but was unsure how to step out of my normally very physically reserved comfort zone to even give it a try.

So he said, “would you like to kiss me?” Quite possibly just to get me to shut up. I felt safe. And knew he wouldn’t hurt me. So I agreed.

He very gently put his arms around me and kissed me. When we came up for air, I blurted, “so am I a bad kisser? I don’t even know.” He just smiled. “I dunno. Maybe we should try again.” And we did.

After that he let me go, and internet, I quietly freaked the fuck out. Bruce said he’d be okay with it. Is he really? Oh my god, am I a total whore? They probably all think I’m the worst.

My inner voice, she’s a bitch.

And when I start on that downward spiral, I tend to give myself a headache. Which is exactly what happened. I spent the rest of the evening arguing with myself, my head throbbing, trying not to growl at everyone around me.

Eventually, I picked a fight with Bruce, mostly just because I really needed to yell. And yell I did (I apologize to anyone who may have been trying to sleep in the rooms around us).

Don’t worry, we kissed and made up (boy did we ever).

The next morning, all was well. I was okay. Bruce was okay. And that was all that mattered. But I was pretty sure that was the end of that.

Fast forward to late afternoon. We’re sitting in the hot tub, chatting with the people around us, when another man slides over and puts his arm around me. We’d talked before. I knew who he was. And thought he was pretty attractive. So when he asked, “Is this okay?” I nodded.

“I just want you to know I think you’re a beautiful woman.”

“Thank you!” I smiled. Compliments really are a good way to get through my armor.

We chatted a bit more, he complimented me a bit more, and then he leaned over to kiss me. “Is this okay?” Oh yes, it really was. Because, internet? Everywhere we touched, my body lit up like a neon sign. It was wild.

Let’s hit that fast forward button again.

Now it’s nighttime. The theme is lingerie, and I’m wearing this short, tight, virtually see through green mesh chemise, feeling slightly uncomfortable, but also really sexy.

The same couple finds us or we find them, I’m not sure. At any rate, soon I’m standing next to him again, happy to have his arm wrapped around me. He’s kissing my neck, letting his hands wander up and down my body, and I’m melting. Absolutely melting.

“Is your husband okay with this?”

I look over at Bruce, who smiles happily. “Oh yeah. He’s okay with just about anything. I could have sex with you right here and he’d be fine.”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far. But I would…” Ahem. Y’all don’t need to hear the rest of that conversation. Suffice it to say that I would’ve gone anywhere that man led me. Anywhere.

Unfortunately, the doors to the club opened at that very moment, and by the time the show was over, we lost track of each other. He may have decided to let the newbie be. Or maybe I was giving off mixed signals, given that I had no freaking clue what I was doing. Who knows.

That’s the end of that particular story. Which is okay. Bruce (and yet another lovely man) more than made up for it in the hot tub a little later that evening. But a part of me will always wonder what could have been…

And another part of me is hungry to find that kind of chemistry again.